Doctor, how are you at magic?

After trying so many ways
to understand
to really get it
for once
at least once

After trying so many ways to accept the loss
of give and take
and small talk
only to present ourselves to each other
to make ourselves presentable
as one does when one makes the effort to wash one's hair

After trying so many ways to endure the pain
it still hurts
after all
I told you it was going to hurt
and you said you knew
and you said you felt
you had to do something different with me
I know you tried

After trying so many ways to hold on to myself
I find
like the man who was slip-sliding away
because my love for you is so overpowering
I'm afraid that I will disappear
or
like the whore
who said a good day ain't got no rain
and a bad day is when I lie in bed and think of things that might have been
how could I have known I would be Jonah
thrown overboard because I would not pray to my God
and bid him save me from the storm
and swallowed by a great whale
that ferried me to safety
when all I wanted to do was to sleep

After trying so many ways not to ask too much
you told me in a way I had to ask too much
to be healed
because what I received was not what I needed
or maybe it was just
that what I got was not enough
perhaps not then
but certainly not now
and when I asked you to take away my pain
or show me how to do it myself
or tell me how to stop loving you
and push me away with a handshake and a tear
one from you
and one from me
one for your left eye
one from me that lasted all day

After trying so many ways to draw boundaries
because you only do short term work
and CBT doesn't know what to do with attachment
because like crude humour
the punch line doesn't land on the chin
and at best glances off
the top of your head
the upside of your head
without buttering your bread basket
or knocking you for six

After trying so many ways to take the cues
pointing out why
it won't help me to want all of you
even though you have taken all of me

After trying so many ways to really get what you mean
still
I've got you under my skin
like a porcupine bump
in my Aspie eye
I am the whale

After trying so many ways
doctor
I beg you
in the name of mercy
how good are you at magic?
won't you break the spell
and let me let you go
won't you please let me go
after so long
doctor
all I want of you
doctor
in the name of mercy
please
please
let me go

Comments

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