Incandescents

I'm pretty sure
it never occurred
to her
that a real heart was
on the line
when we did
that dance
that's so well known
as to be trite
to mention
in so light a fashion
so I hesitate
when I say
I'm pretty sure
to give her the benefit
of what she's worth

and what was risked anyway
in that half lit room
perhaps it was migraine
that made her dim fluorescents
in favour of incandescents
or maybe she was going more
for mood
to make it easier
for me to talk
and her to listen
and occasionally direct
or redirect
to maximize learning
or maintain the flow
of unprocessed feelings
and measured ambivalence
like suits
with a bit
of room
in the back
for
when we indulge
and lie
to ourselves
about the trade
off
between what we need
and how we'd like
to be
or they way we'd like
to be seen
if we had our druthers
and nobody was counting
or keeping score

I was talking about a moment
that I wanted to
hold
up
in grateful appreciation
when love
and other things invaded
and made unfair
or even
ever so slightly dirty
what began as play

as I entered the hall
and
out
of
the cave
of incandescents
I thought I saw her look
at me
when I turned back
both
of us mouthing
goodbye
as we parted
for the last time
it was hard
but better that way.